Waking up first thing in the morning most people get up and use the bathroom, make a cup of coffee and start the day. Me, hell I wish it was that easy. I would love to not fight with myself the second my eyes open. Instead I usually psych myself out over going pee. What if I can’t reach the toilet paper. What if there is not toilet paper. Do we have toilet paper? Do I need to get paper towels from the kitchen. Shit, the kitchen. I need to clean the kitchen. Fuck, what is my husband thinking right now? I didn’t clean yesterday, God I’m such an awful wife. There are gonna be more dishes today now. What if they don’t all fit in the dishwasher? Do I have any clean coffee cups? Jesus Christ, I have to wash the coffee pot. Crap, I still have to pee. But if I get up I don’t think I can handle everything today. Son of a bitch I am crying over having to pee now. Get your crap together Tiffany ! What the hell is wrong with you? You are really worthless. You can’t do anything right. Hell look at yourself, you are fucking crying because you have to pee.
This is what my mornings are like. I usually lay there until in about to urinate on myself. Then I freak out because I’m 30 and almost peed the bed because I can’t handle getting out of bed. I’m pretty sure the only reason I even get up is because I don’t want to have to clean the mattress on top of having to clean the coffee pot so I can make coffee, wash a coffee cup and clean the kitchen. The kitchen. Oh hell if I clean the kitchen I have to clean the living room. What if I get company? Oh my, the house is disgusting. I can’t handle this today. I think I’ll just stay in bed.
This is usually where the paranoia kicks in from the schizo-affective disorder. If I stay in bed all day and someone comes over, they will think I’m a lazy piece of crap. Am I a lazy piece of crap? What will they think of my house? I CAN’T FUCKING HANDLE THIS TODAY. WHY AM I CRYING STILL? Maybe I should just go away, just disappear. Then I wouldn’t disappoint any one. FUCK, I can’t do that, it would hurt my husband and my kids. I don’t want to hurt them. But me not cleaning today could hurt them. I don’t know what to do!
This is my life, this is what I fight withing the first 30 minutes of being awake. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. But tomorrow, there is always tomorrow. Maybe I can beat anxiety tomorrow……..
Until then, I will just lay here and ugly cry.